Sugar Baked Gammon

Hoi / Grüß Gott / Hola / Dobar Dan / God Dag / Hyvää Päivää / Bonjour / Guten Tag / Jo Napot / Góðan Dag / Salve / Moïen / Hallo / Olá / Zdravo / Ahoj / Hallå / Helo / Zdravo / Živjo…

 

Hi, it’s the Drummer here and I’ve been drafted in to discuss the single most important issue to affect us since our inception; and no it's not The Piano player moving to Portugal, it's the future of touring and gigging in the European Union/Schengen area.

I’ll attempt to dive straight into the detail here because as The Singer always tells us, “no more than 2000 words or they’ll get bored”; so here we go with a tricky game of word Tetris. As this topic is as long as it is broad and likely to cover more than one blog, I’ll try and dispense with some of the usual waffle and get down to business. So grab a strong drink and/or fat smoke of your choice and settle in for a hard hitter! The gloves are off and I’m up for a rumble! Today I’m going to deal with facts, emotions and the shambolic ‘fag packet deal’ that is the UK government’s Brexit agreement; otherwise known as 2800 lines of utter bullshit.

 

I’m writing this on international soundcheck day (12.1.21) which somehow seems a little bit ironic (don’t you think?) considering we haven’t had one of those in a while. 

I’d like to briefly take you back to September 2013. That’s when I joined the band and as mentioned in my last blog, also coincided with the band’s first ever tour; which was also the inspiration for our subsequent forays into mainland Europe. It’s been discussed numerous times by The Singer that it’s these very tours that have kept us all going over the last few years; they're the filling in the sandwich, the cement in The Odd Folk retaining wall. The band would have likely folded many moons ago if it wasn’t for these regular adventures, and our lives certainly wouldn’t have been as enriched without meeting and playing for all our lovely friends and fans across Europe. It’s safe to say it’s what has kept us all going; and we want to KEEP it going!

June 23^rd 2016 will be forever etched into our memories. It was the day that most performers (and crew), who rely on European tours to make a living and remain sane, realised that those days were possibly numbered. We shouted it from the roof tops, we splurged it all over social media, we were angry; but most of all we were scared of the change and the unknown. Not because we’re afraid of change or risk averse; we’re touring musicians; we thrive on those things. But we were scared for our livelihoods and we wanted to tell everyone who had voted to remove our European citizenship and our right to roam, what a huge mistake we thought they’d made; and as far as we were concerned they must have been crazy (right?).

Then they responded. We were told to keep calm and look forward to getting our freedom back, we were informed that nothing would change for us and not to worry. We were lectured that the EU needs us more than we need them, we’d get our sovereignty back, Boris would do the right thing and get us out; and we’d all be better off. Not one of them had any evidence of this of course, just blind faith in those purveyors of a false narrative that would only benefit those who were set to make a killing from the subsequent financial chaos. Some of us were born in the EU; in fact all the band members (even me) were born European citizens; and we were angry about be dragged out of something we hold dear, and still are. After all no one wants their citizenship stripped away from them against their will do they?

We were informed by those gloating, red faced “experts” that we should suck it up, stop (re)moaning and develop a British stiff upper lip like our ancestors and tap into the (long dead and thankfully extinct) Imperial spirit of old; mend and make do.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK THE BEATLES DID?”

“HAMBURG… THE BEATLES WENT TO HAMBURG YOU KNOW!”

“BANDS TOURED IN EUROPE BEFORE THE EU EXISTED; IT’S EASY, YOU JUST GO AND PLAY!” they gammon-splained at us in capital letters over social media, so it must be easy right?

I’ve even lost old friends over this! It’s amazing how many people who have never played in a band or toured Europe or organised these trips are suddenly experts in the subject. The week before they only knew how to drink 10 pints of Carling every night on a weekend and fight at football matches; yet NOW they were fully clued up on performing artists touring Europe! Well, they used to go to Glasto in the 90’s and they saw Oasis play at Knebworth, so they’re experts right?

The worst of it is, I know musicians who have toured all over Europe who also voted to leave. It seems they had taken a huge dump in their own wallets but didn’t even realise it yet!

Aaaaaaaaan...... breeeeeath 

So back to the present day. It’s happened, we no longer have free movement to go swanning off around the EU without a care like we owned the place. Now we’re potential illegal aliens in the lands of our birthright. That is if we follow the advice from our suddenly ‘oh so quiet’ Brexiter expert ex-friends. We now need to work out what “The Deal” means for us. Time to try and get past the frustration and conjecture and stop “re-moaning”.

Ping! It’s the Singer on WhatsApp. “Hello old boy, how’s the blog coming along, angry yet? Have you worked out how we’re going to continue touring in Europe on a shoestring?” I tell him his timing is impeccable and that I’ve just about calmed down, I'm 1007 words in and just about to dive into the detail and quit whinging. He sends me a laughing emoji and that’s the end of our exchange.

 

But how DO we do this? It’s one thing foaming at the keyboard on social media, it’s another thing altogether working it out. It’s a minefield. Luckily there are some organisations, colleagues and old friends who have been putting in long hours on everyone else’s behalf. Our ex-agent from Frusion is one of them, Ian Smith and some of his peers have been working hard to find out all they can and are sharing it all via their website (http://ukeartswork.info) and YouTube channel. These gals and guys are providing regular updates for things like work permits and carnets, not only for the likes of us to go over to the EU and work; but those bloody Europeans to come over ‘ere and steal our…. Oops, that was last nights’ gammon pie repeating on me.

The point is, there are lots of people now trying to rise above the situation and help their fellow performers. This isn’t just about musicians either, it’s all artists, crew, drivers and road management involved in performing arts, we’re all in this together. The truth is that if we don’t all pull together and try to make this work then it won’t just be our lives that are bereft of any cultural diversity; UK festivals, Circus shows, theatres and arts centres will become stagnant and constrained.

There’s another online resource attempting to share as much info as possible too, www.ism.org are doing their bit. But it’s not quite enough at the moment because it’s all still very fresh and raw. I recently discovered that a lawyer friend just happens to work in this field and has offered to assist; and from what they tell me there is a lot of conflicting info out there and we somehow have to piece it all together and come up with a plan.

We, the Singer and I, are not the only ones struggling with this debacle; most of our peers are also in the same situation. Our good friend Billy from The Undercover Hippy has set up a Facebook group for us all to share our findings, which is great, but it still feels like we are all fumbling in the dark like naïve teenagers on the back row of the cinema.

So, what have I learnt so far from my research over the last month? I know now that if we are ever to dare to dip our skanky toes into the waters of touring the EU, we will definitely need to change our approach and accept it’s going to be harder to plan and the costs and bureaucracy could limit our ability to do this going forward; which is an upsetting realisation.

Firstly, we do know that we’ll have to purchase a carnet; a list of ALL equipment including our instruments, PA, strings, drumsticks, tuners, in fact anything that we use. Which, in a band of 5 people who play about 15 instruments between them is likely to be a long and difficult list to manage. This document costs approximately £450 and if we change a single item, then we have re-submit that change and pay another £450. For us this means that if The Piano Player sneaks an unapproved Ukulele into the back of the van it could end the tour before it’s begun. We could get to the French border and be turned around. Game over.

We also need to be aware of the materials our instruments are made of; if there are any rare woods or ivory included in the build of our instruments we could be barred from entry. Then there’s the working visa requirements for each individual country in the EU; because as it turns out, each EU country has sovereignty over their borders. Shall we all just let that sink in for a moment?

Some of our European neighbours are graciously offering dispensation meaning free access, but it’s not yet fully clear under which circumstances that will apply. Potentially we could have to have work permits for each country at a cost of 75-99€ per person, per country! So if those costs haven’t made it impossible, we also have the issue of differing tax rates and those having to be submitted and dealt with through HMRC, which we all know will be a simple and hassle-free process.

Then there’s the real killer; merchandise. We’ll need to declare all merchandise in advance and pay VAT on every item (before it’s sold) and then reconcile that upon our return. We normally rely on merch sales to get us from gig to gig and that’s looking like a tricky hurdle to get over. There is still so much to learn, which is why this blog will be in at least one more instalment as more knowledge is gained; but at this rate it seems we’re going to need to employ an accountant and legal advisor; or just accept the fact that it’s now become an impossible endeavour, uneconomical and we’re resigned to a future of playing for peanuts in the UK where no one buys merch. Or we retire with our memories and look for other ways to fulfil our artistic needs.